Why am I so positive?

I recently had a dream where I was asked this question. Even in everyday life, years ago, I was asked this question. But this time, in the dream, I knew how to give an answer.

For those who have read my sharing of the story of me and my mother, I warn you that it will be a repetition, although obviously different.

For those of you who have not read it, I am sorry to say that I ended up deleting it, but this dream made me understand that it was important to share it again.

The answer I gave in the dream was that my childhood was terrible and that therefore it was important for me to hold on to something good, it was survival. It could also be a fruit juice or a glass of fresh water with lemon but it was important because it made the day better.

I also shared a true story, about a family member of mine, who experienced trauma with my mother that, until last year, he had never shared before. In this way he  discovered that what happened to him, was not right. It was not normal.

Unfortunately, we don't want to share bad things, because they hurt us. However, by doing so, we might discover things, or find understanding or even someone with a similar experience to encourage.

I deleted the previous blog because I was afraid I wasn't respectful towards my mother. The point is that objectively what she did is bad. You could sugarcoat the pill with irony, but this is not the time.

I will start with the positive: I am grateful that my mother read us Bible stories since we were little, that she took us to church, and to tell me that I have a beautiful voice when I sing, even though I know I'm out of tune. I am grateful for the many days at the seaside, which was her wish, for the swimming pool and because, thanks to her, I understood the weight of words, the importance of compliments and encouraging verses in the Bible.

Now I will continue with the less beautiful. Speaking of the Bible, my mother's was underlined and highlighted on punishments. She scolded me because I didn't love her and told me that I would go to hell because I wasn't respecting one of the 10 commandments. Children are created to seek attention from a parent, they need it. When a parent is not capable to give love, but rather pain, something is certainly different. I learned early that I couldn't rely on my mother. Unfortunately, however, like any child, I expected things from her that she wasn't able to give. My father often told me that I was independent and, I think, that's the reason. I couldn't rely on her (he worked two jobs to support us💖 so he wasn't home often).

My mother called me stupid, a whore (even though I wore shorts under my skirt) and told me that I would never be a good wife or a good mother.

Sometimes I still cry when my partner reassures me that I'm much better than I think, precisely because this lie is still inside me.  But I trust that one day, through God or experience, it will go away.🙌💖 I still remember that day when, for requalification reasons, I had to take an IQ test. That day I cried and a A LOT. Because I had proof of being intelligent. Even though the Lord, over the years, had encouraged me about this through the compliments of my stepmother💖 and also through a prophet who, without knowing me or speaking to me, had at heart🕊 to confirm this to me. God is Good and faithful!🕊💖

Back then, when I came home, I went straight to my room and my mother would come out of nowhere to scold me. In the end, she would insist that I should apologize to her. Manipulated by the conversation, I would end up forgetting that she had started it all and apologized for something I hadn't done. Gas lighting. Absurd situation. Over the years, I have read about narcissistic disorder and narcissistic mothers. I even read the book by a profiler "Dangerous Personalities" by Joe Navarro, who shares dangerous personalities in people's daily lives to help those who unfortunately the police often don't take seriously. There are tests in the book and both I and another person answered objective questions about my mother. It confirmed the suspicions of narcissism.

There was one time, during arguments, where she hit me so hard that I was paralyzed on the floor crying. It is probably from that episode that I developed physical dissociation, from which God then healed me about 5 years ago. 🙌💖🕊 in fact, because of the dissociation, I remember that once, before she hit me with the rolling pin, I was in the living room but it was as if I saw her in third person enter the kitchen and take the rolling pin.

I list these things because maybe you can relate to them or at least to encourage you to believe that, no matter how bad the situation may seem, it can always get better!💖 On my birthday, around the age of 14 years old, like a deluded person, I thought that my mother wanted to take me out for me. To celebrate me. Instead, during that time, she asked me for information on someone else so that, once we got home, she could beat him, just for being on the computer. I was devastated because, for my fault, someone had suffered. From that day on, I hated my birthday and from there the suicidal instincts began. Instincts that, thank God💖, through prayer in the presence of a dear and precious friend of mine, ended in January 2019.🙏💖💖💖

--->Read "Healed from suicidal thoughts": https://www.shiningpromise.com/post/healed-from-suicidal-thoughts

At a certain point the situation was so bad, both at home and at work (I was being mobbed. Read "3 victories" https://www.shiningpromise.com/post/3-victories ), that I felt like I was living in hell. Furthermore, because of my mother's accusations, I also had nightmares about it, and I remember one of a demon that took me while my mother looked at me smiling. But God is Good. When I went to work, often, the Lord showed me a robin red breast.💖 It gave me hope. When I saw it, I felt like the Lord was telling me that everything was going to be okay and that He saw me. There were no words, but when I looked at it, I felt that sense of peace.

Eventually my parents divorced and that was one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. Really. The inner torment improved later, but being around emotionally stable people made the difference.

Relationship

I remember years ago watching "C'è Posta per te" by Maria De Filippi on TV. There, a girl was telling a story similar to mine but she wanted to reconnect with her mother. I already knew that she hadn't changed and in fact that's how it turned out. From there, I thought I wouldn't do the same as this girl.

Note: I believe that people can change but they have to want it or it is because they have met God. Which means they have changed because of the awareness of God's love in their lives.

In any case, around the age of 15/16 years old, my father and my stepmother, as good christians, encouraged me to make peace with my mother. I didn't want to see her but in the end I accepted. I was so scared that I was shaking like a leaf that day. She said, as usual, that I didn't understand her and that she had had a difficult life. Adding that I was her "little doll", that wherever she put me, I stayed. As if I were an object.

In front of others she always complimented us but then, once the doors of the house were closed, she would insult and mock us for exactly those same things. A wolf in sheep's clothing. One time I came home and found a photo of me in the living room with a candle of the dead next to it. While another time, going to my room, I heard her "praying in tongues" and, God forgive me if I'm wrong, but that really didn't seem like a divine language to me. I remember that above her I saw a black cloud. I also had many nightmares where she was trying to kill me. When my parents divorced, my mother, through her mother, cursed us. During that time we all saw things/demons in the house, but thank God nothing happened to us. Because and I quote: He who is in you [the Holy Spirit🕊] is greater than he who is in the world (Part of 1 John 4:4).💖 Over the years, fear turned into anger even in dreams. So much so that, when I heard her recite the Bible with the punishments, in the dream I grabbed her and read her EVERYTHING else that she omitted, that is, God's goodness in this regard.

For years I didn't want to see her anymore and I could sense, through my family, that she hadn't changed at all. Then, because of the guilt, I tried again but... I couldn't do it. She continued to elevate herself and lower me. For example, telling me that I had done something stupid, while I was telling her my testimony from esotericism to Christ (read ---> https://www.shiningpromise.com/post/falling-into-the-white-rabbit-s-hole-to-rise-towards-the-light ), which she would never have done.

Although I can see that she doesn't feel good about herself, she destabilizes me, and it bothers me if I "don't function well". There are wounds that, at 31, still have to heal. God has already healed me from many things, so my hope is that it will always get better, but you don't heal a wound with someone who keeps putting the knife in the wound. In my experience. So, until she has changed or God heals me and gives me strength, I find it difficult to have a relationship.

Although a few weeks ago, through social media, we had a test of interaction. I noticed that someone with a profile picture of a cross and the same name as my partner, except for one letter, had started following me.

She would comment "amen" randomly and I felt inside me that she was my mother, I knew it. Furthermore she followed a family member. It bothered me that she had the same name as my partner, it was as if she wanted to manipulate me because I associate that name with something beautiful and she tried to make her way like that, sneaking. Also, since she had already told me to post photos of other people's vacations, to make people believe she had seen places she hadn't seen, it's not that surprising. An acquaintance advised me to write to her privately as if she wasn't her, to see if we could have a relationship as if she were a stranger (though thinking about it, for survival, I avoid people like that). Anyway, I tried and she revealed herself for who she was, my mother. Okay. It ended shortly thereafter.  But, I couldn't take it, it bothered me too much to see my partner's name on her profile, it seemed like manipulation. In the end I wrote to her and I also told her that she commented too much. She replied with an excuse for the name and asked me what bothers me about her, that she uses amens? Almost making me wonder if she was aware of putting them in a superficial way, out of contex. I decided not to reply to her, to keep my peace and... my favorite part!😃💖 She blocked me! I could have suffered in silence and it would have been fine with her, but I simply said something that bothered me and... look at this!😃 Incredible!💖 I know it may seem strange to you but I'm happy because, by saying it, I took a weight off my heart and this gesture of hers confirms me her inappropriate behavior, even in the choice of the name.

I conclude by saying that, all these things have worked together for the good, God has healed me from many things, freed me from that situation and I am convinced that He will still heal me from other things.

Light always wins over darkness and good over evil.☺️💖 No matter how bad life seems to be, the sun will rise again and the beginning of a new path will open on the horizon.🌅💖💖

God bless you and give you hope in every situation!🙏🙌💖

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Psalm 28:6

Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications!

John 1:5

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.